Over the last few weeks I’ve not been as visible across my social media pages as I usually am. My mental health took a battering a few weeks back and my head has been in a very dark place.
Talking about my mental health problems has never been something I have hidden, I am extremely lucky in that I have a very supportive Mr, parents and friends. Sometimes though the only way up and out of the darkness is just riding through my own pity party solo, this time this is exactly what I needed. I didn’t want to talk about things with anyone, or to take any offers of help. This time I just asked to be left alone to work things out in my own head on my own.
I took a step back from my small business, still accepting and completing sales but not promoting my sales platforms. I started leaving my day job on time and just doing my actual job rather than take on more. I slept, a lot, got ill a few times - unfortunately my battle with covid last year still attacks my body when I start to wilt - something else that damaged my mental health.
So in full transparency, I have high functioning anxiety, panic attacks, depression and OCD - no I don’t wash my hands a lot, I hate that people still think OCD is just over cleaning.
My OCD is about control and order, I need to tidy things into specific routines, so I would rearrange the bookcase, sit for hours organising paperwork etc.
My anxiety can start from someone not saying hello or good morning, I spend the rest of the day then wondering what I’ve done wrong to them. If someone is having a bad day I automatically think it’s because of my presence 🤦🏼♀️ I take everything personally and it takes a lot of discussion to persuade me otherwise.
These conditions are exhausting, I have come home from work, curled up on the sofa under a blanket and slept for 3 hours most days over the last month. Then I rush around doing dinner, cleaning, house jobs and feel guilty for sleeping. Honestly, it’s a vicious circle!
About a week ago I started to come out the other side, my head wasn’t as dark, I wasn’t sleeping as much (I’m always going to be a big fan of any extra sleep, naps are awesome!) and I began feeling brighter.
So far so good, I’m on half term this week so my body is having a good rest, I’ve got a plan in place for my social media and website for the next month and I’m currently sitting down with my little Ned cat curled up next to me purring away.
This blog post isn’t looking for sympathy or a ‘woe is me’ overshare, literally just an insight into my own experiences. There are people who suffer a hell of a lot more than me but I also feel like the more it is spoken about, the more people will begin to understand that mental health is not something to be ashamed of.
SPEAK UP AND SPEAK OUT!